I am an outsider, observing the world from a distance. I am in the world, I'm not truly a part of it. It used to be difficult for me to watch others connecting with relative ease. I'm the opposite of a social butterfly. The truth is that I don't belong and I'm not growing out of it. The other truth is that I like who I am. The judgments of others barely affect me as I make my way through life.
But sometimes the quiet is too much for even me to handle. There are times when I wish I could gush about my life, my thoughts, and my feelings, but my brain won't let my mouth open. Typical would be nice once in a while. Unfortunately, my feelings just get tangled up in a huge mess and shoved in a dark pocket (like a pair of ear buds). This behaviour isn't me trying to be tough, manly, or adult. This behaviour is my default setting and it's a Herculean task for me to deviate from my programming. I almost used Sisyphean, but that would indicate that I never manage to complete the task and never connect with others. Off on a word nerd tangent...
I miss my Dad. He's been gone about two months. I think of him every day. Right now, he would have been making preparations to travel down to Florida after Christmas, to play with his dogs in the surf. Instead, he's gone. I could say that he's forever in our memories, but that is cold comfort to those of us who remain.
I just want to get back to my version of normal.
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